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Too fast to live , too young to die



Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Tuesday
Went to hospital after school and mummy is very tired and looks super painful , she spent most of the time sleeping .

Wednesday
Lesson ends at 12pm , went to clementi mall to buy mummy whipped potato because she thinks that the hospital food sucks after that went to hospital , mummy cannot even finish one reg whipped potato . In the afternoon around 2.30 , mummy is allowed to discharged and so she is at home now .

To be or not to be


Monday, July 23, 2012

Monday
Went to hospital early in the morning , 7 plus . The doctor came with so much other "student doctor" to just tell my mother about her situation . She need to put a support stand between the esophagus and stomach to make way from the tumor to allow food to pass through . The chemo doctor came to talk to my mother also . My mum looked scared. My god brother came today at 3-4 plus and not long later my mother was pushed to the room to get the support done . During the process , a lot of staff came and ask for consent for their research , i feel that we are just guinea pigs . But we need to go with their research because we cannot afford the large amount of money needed and if we join they will be able to pay a sum for us . After the surgery , mummy came out looking super bad , she was holding her head and looked pissed and uncomfortable . When she reached the ward , she vomited .  

To be or not to be


Sunday, July 22, 2012

I am having quite a hard time getting over the fact that my mother is diagnosed with stomach cancer , stage IV . This is the worst thing that can happen in my entire life . I am not yet 17 years old . I decided to write my feelings here since i got no where to vent it.

Last Thursday , my mother went for check up and was told to be hospitalized after finding out that there is a tumor in her stomach . I didn't go down to see her because I was having test on alice until 5pm and she told me not to come down just go home and buy food for my brother .

Friday after school , I went to the hospital straight after my TCS test .She is told not to eat AT ALL , not even drinking of plain water , she look super weak , she didn't eat for 3th day . Stayed there thinking that things will be alright , the doctor asked for a family conference session at 5pm , my ahyi and da jiu jiu is here too . But it was dragged until about 6.30pm and the moment I go to the toilet , the doctor came and brought my families member away to a room which i couldn't find so i didn't attend the family conference and I was beside my mother for the time being . They talked for quite awhile and my mother keep asking me "why they talk so long" . After that my sister came out asking for water , I see her red eyes , then my father came by the bed . He told my mother she got cancer and just a mild one that can be cure by chemo . My father broke down into tears . I got out of the seat and get to the toilet and cry .Then my sister also in the toilet told me that my mother got cancer stage 4 and it is incurable , they can only extend the lifespan . Not long later we went home , i went to her to take my bag and she said to me " take care of daddy" . In the car , my dad is constantly sighing . When i get home I went out to meet my clique and cried real hard until I stopped crying . The moment i get home lying on bed , i started crying again .

Saturday, I woke up at 8+ in tears , I kept crying then I went to the toilet using ipad on twitter then i found out that muslim is fasting and i feel super pissed that my mother can't even choose to eat and they can choose to not eat purposely , when i come out my grandma is already in my house , I make sure i don't cry in front of her . My eyes is swollen , very obviously . Went to the hospital with my grandma and saw my mother i think she looks so much better because she is able to eat full feed stuff which is all the soup and drinks only she say she hate it and that it is inedible . I didn't stay for long on my way back home on bus i kept thinking and my tears dropped , i was siting opposite way and facing my grandma , i quickly cover my eyes . i act like the sun is hurting my eyes then i try to sleep but my tears keep dropping . Eventually i fall asleep . When i reached home , i went to sleep until 7 plus 8 plus , then I stay awake for awhile and return to sleep at 11 pm , i lie on the bed crying to sleep .

Sunday , went to bpp to buy breakfast and whipped potato for mummy to eat then go to NUH . My da jiu and er jiu family came and visit her in hospital , my da ah kim gave me $30 to buy things which my mum ask me to go buy cause she is scared that i don't have enough money . The journey to buy the thing is really irritating , pharmacy is not open on sunday , we went to buona vista which got nothing AT ALL then we went to clementi mall and finally get what we wanted . When we get back , da jiu family  went home , and er jiu and er ah kim is here , saw them outside the ward talking to my father and my grandma inside talking to my mother . Went home by uncle's car as they are going home , my dad stayed in the hospital . Dad went down to the kopitiam to eat and on the way out he said to my aunt , the doctor just keep dragging why can't they do it immediately if we got money everything will be different . My grandma dropped off at bukit batok to go back her house on the journey , my ah kim gave me and my sis $50 dollar each for us to spend and eat , i know they are pitying us cause everyone in my mother side know my family financial problem . After dropping off my grandma , the atmosphere in the car is super heavy , i look out of the window and nearly cry again , then i THINK my aunt cried , i hear her sniffing and saw her whipping her tears , but i couldn't see her face from behind . then went we reached my house , my uncle touch her by the elbow hinting her .

Tomorrow is the day where my mum will know her situation , the truth . My sister thinks that my dad still cannot accept the fact that about my mother cause he keep researching through friends and trying to get some herbs and telling us we got secret recipe , she will be alright . I don't want Monday to come . I wish i can turn back time to last few months or just last year where my mother can still nag me and make me rant on twitter asking her to stop nagging. I miss her nagging and cooking , her cooking this 2 months is tasteless to be honest but no one say anything , she say she didn't taste it . 

We are all human but we know that rich people gets all the good thing first .

To be or not to be




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